In the Prayer of Saint Francis we ask that we may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love.  It’s one of my favorite prayers.  It is a prayer to be released from the chains of egotism and self-centeredness.

But the truth is that we can’t console if no one will allow themselves to be consoled; we cannot understand if no one will allow themselves to be understood; and sometimes we cannot express our love for others in concrete terms if others refuse to be loved.

In his homily on the Good Samaritan last weekend, Father Greg Schenden pointed out that we cannot follow the model of the Good Samaritan if the person we are trying to help refuses our assistance.  While we should be inspired by the model of the Good Samaritan, we should also be willing to accept help like the man the Good Samaritan aids.

And this isn’t always popular.  In our culture, being dependent on another person is viewed in a negative light.  It can be seen as a blow to one’s pride.  People stress about being a burden on others.  And we have elaborate rituals in which we feign that we don’t want assistance while expecting that the person offering assistance will re-offer, at which point accepting would become fine.

In my life, I have seen family members and close friends who have refused help when they really needed it.  I have seen them endure hellish experiences that could have been entirely avoided by making a phone call or simply accepting an offer of assistance.  I have sensed others suffering in silence when someone that loved them would have rushed to their aid at the drop of a hat if they could only build the courage to ask, to expose their need.

American individualism, which values autonomy, independence, and individual achievement, often clashes in a serious way with Catholic communitarianism and its commitment to solidarity, mutual dependence, and communal support.  For some, it may result in pride where the person is too proud to accept the help of others, sure that they can do anything worthwhile on their own.  For others, their refusal to seek or accept help may be the product of how they perceive cultural expectations and norms.  Being considerate or courteous might seem to preclude accepting the help of others.

For a faith centered around communion, these cultural currents present a major problem.  We cannot give if no one is willing to receive, and the lives of both are diminished as a result.  Those in need are denied assistance that would improve their lives and those willing to give are denied the love and joy of helping another.  Where people refuse to be vulnerable, real interpersonal connections are absent, as the person’s desire for autonomy leads to a more surface, artificial relationship.

Father Greg pointed out last Sunday one thing that is wonderful about children: they often lack these inhibitions, this reluctance to be dependent, to rely on others.  And he noted that to be childlike, as Jesus encourages us to be, we must be willing to be the object of service and love, not just the one giving each.

As a relatively new parent, this resonates deeply with me.  My three and a half months with my daughter, which include my time as the primary caretaker, have involved countless hours changing diapers, feeding her, calming her down, singing to her, kissing her, making faces, playing with her, and carrying out a variety of other tasks centered solely around her well-being.  These moments often come when I am trying to work or terribly in need of sleep.  But these months have been filled with an indescribable joy that I had not experienced before her birth and it has permeated every day of my life since the day she was born.

And a big part of that is getting to express my love for her without reserve.  She is never self-conscious about receiving that love.  She never rejects it out of the fear that I’m doing too much.  Her total willingness to receive love is the prerequisite for my ineffable joy.

Getting to love someone in this way is so wonderful and joyful.  This means that allowing yourself to be loved in this way is a profoundly loving, generous act.  The lesson for all of us is to try to shed those individualistic impulses that are ingrained in each of us by our cultural surroundings so that we might be more open to love.  A willingness to be vulnerable, to depend on others, or to simply accept a helping hand can bring more love and joy into the world.  Sometimes, it is in receiving that we give and in being loved that we love.