I remember when my family got our first computer.  It came in a big Gateway box with the black and white spotted cows, and I remember wondering how cows had anything to do with computers.  My eyes widened at the possibilities when my dad took out the big monitor.  We Millennials were the first generation to grow up exploring the Internet, using dial-up service that tied up phone lines and AOL CDs in the mail that promised 30, 50, and 100 free hours.  We were the first Googlers before Google existed, creators of awesome e-mail accounts that conveyed something about ourselves but had a unique, cool rhyme like my truebluesmooth@hotmail.com.  And let’s not forget those three letters that took up hours of our time: A-I-M.

But as Mufasa showed us how everything the light touches is ours, we asked, “What about that dark, shadowy place?”  And like any forceful parent the response is, “You must never go there!”  We were the Simbas and Nalas of the Internet world, and our curiosity about the unrated unknown overwhelmed us as that first half-dressed pop-up, that first seductive face beside the “CLICK ME” button, led us down a path that has proven difficult to escape for many in our generation.

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Porn is pervasive in our society.  In 2009, the University of Montreal tried to launch a study researching college-aged men who had not viewed pornography, but returned saying they couldn’t find a single man who hadn’t.  Meanwhile the worldwide porn industry makes more than 90 billion dollars a year, which is more than Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple and Netflix make combined.

And this easy access to porn is bringing a new, unseen set of problems to our society:

-56% of divorces involve a spouse’s “obsessive interest in pornographic Web sites.”  Since around half of all marriages end in divorce, this means that one in four marriages end (at least in part) because of a partner’s addiction to pornography.

-More and more men in their 20’s are reporting erectile dysfunction disorder, many saying they can no longer get an erection around a real woman.

-One-third of pornography addicts lose their jobs, with 58% reporting major financial loss.

What is going on here?  Is virtual sex REALLY that good?

After doing a lot of research, talking to men (and women) across the country, going to workshops, and quite frankly gathering experience from my own trials and triumphs with my personal fight, here are my top three reasons why Internet pornography has been captivating our Millennial generation, along with some weapons of hope and positive ways to counter these factors:

1.  It’s private and instantaneous.

What’s pretty significant about being a Millennial is that we were the first generation to grow up with the Internet in our childhood.  This was before there were filters and before our parents knew how to check Web history (and why that might be important).  There was no longer a need to sneak magazines or videos from stores—we had the unfortunate luxury of having porn at our fingertips whenever we wanted (when our parents or siblings weren’t around).

2.  It’s addictive.

There is some fantastic research out there (including great sites like fightthenewdrug.org and this video on the The Great Porn Experiment) that is showing how incredibly addictive viewing pornography actually is.  In fact, research is finding that pornography can physically rewire our brains, causing it to have the same addictive effect as hard drugs.

Also, (for those men who have been there) have you ever noticed when viewing porn that you can’t settle on watching the same video?  In John Eldredge’s book Wild at Heart, he describes this as the chase for the “Golden-Haired Woman”—the perfect seductress who we think can fulfill our lustful desire but never can because she doesn’t exist.  It seems to be the case that many of us men, especially younger men, are also rebellious by nature.  In addition to trying to find that hotter body, there’s an element of wrongness in watching pornography that pumps up our masculine adrenaline. Watch enough porn, and we soon need something wilder to fill our lust, keeping us hungry for more.  As with other addictions, there is an escalation in the search for a greater high.

3.  It provokes our curiosity and helps distract us when we’re feeling down, angry, stressed, and even bored. 

For anyone who isn’t quite addicted just yet and looks at porn more or less randomly (maybe once every other week or two or three times a month) there’s a reason for that first or occasional look: curiosity.

Although a third of porn viewers are women, I believe pornography is more of an issue for guys because we are more visually stimulated. We men can typically find our mind racing by seeing just a simple body image while our female counterparts typically need more to get turned on. As my fiancé’s and my Natural Family Planning instructor jokes, “Men are like light bulbs while women are like ovens—they need to be preheated.”

It wasn’t until I read Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn that it became clear to me that our natural tendencies, coupled with our society’s norms, frequently set us up to fail.  I repeat: we are set up to fail.   It may feel natural to stare at a passing female jogger or glance at a colleague’s cleavage a little longer than we should, but it doesn’t help if we want to overcome pornography.  Our culture doesn’t do us any favors either.  Bikini shots on magazine racks invite our eyes; so do television shows and movies as we sit defenselessly as a camera zooms in on a passing butt cheek or gives us a slow motion scene of a bouncing Megan Fox running from a Transformer explosion.  By the time we’re on the Internet checking Facebook and a low-cut photo of a friend’s friend shows up on our newsfeed (yes, ladies, photos with a lot of skin do not help the cause either), it’s added to the rest of the images that have accumulated in our heads and we’re all ramped up, our ignition is on, and we feel the need for release.  We look for something online that will “help” get us there, and we play the mind game, reasoning with ourselves that if we can just get off we can at least focus on whatever we need to focus on.  Ever been there?

But it is not just curiosity alone that can get us in these situations; feeling down, angry, or stressed can also lead us there.  I remember going to a priest about my issues with pornography while I was a student at The Catholic University of America, and he used to get tired of hearing it.  He would say, “You are more than this, Matt.”  What he meant was that there was something much deeper going on at the core of watching porn, and that this was really an issue caused by something bigger that I needed to face and deal with.

Have you ever decided to look at porn even before you got to the computer because you were down, angry, or stressed?  Ever wanted to do it because you just wanted to feel good, or maybe in some cases, because you didn’t want to feel anything at all?  This motivation can be applied to any other vice—any obsessive amount of smoking, drinking, eating, even watching TV or playing video games.  It becomes our coping mechanism, an escape.  I know there are plenty of times when I’ve wanted to watch in the past and it wasn’t primarily because I wanted to be enticed. I just didn’t want to face and deal with whatever depression, anger, or stress that I was going through, and it provided a good distraction.  Ever been there?

It’s almost shameful to admit this, but it’s so true that we can also be grabbed by sheer boredom, when we feel we have nothing else to do.  It’s uncanny how many guys I’ve talked to in college who have stayed away from porn for weeks at a time, but then go home for Christmas break and everything hits the fan.  What happened?  Sadly, it’s the excessive amount of free time that they didn’t know what to do with.  For college guys, classes fill the day, followed by any groups and clubs, obligatory amounts of eating followed by drinking, and if there’s time, homework.  But go home after a semester is over and there’s none of that.  Just a guy and his thoughts with nothing to do.  I call it stagnant time.  It’s when we’re idle long enough that we’re bound to make a bad decision.  I know this is when I’m at my worst, and I try to avoid it at all costs.  Ever been there?

Hope and Weapons

The truth is: it can be overcome.  I know from my own experience of almost two years now, and I personally know a number of men who have put habitual porn viewing behind them.  I know what you may be thinking: “Impossible, I’ve tried too many times and it’s too difficult.”  I’ve been there with you, sometimes in the last two years even, as I have fallen here and there, but I’d like to share what I’ve found.

I have to emphasize first that the fight against porn is not a porn or lust issue.  For myself and other men I know who have overcome habitual porn viewing, our triumph isn’t embedded in sheer willpower, deciding to not look at anything when we get to the computer, nor is it based on the false assumption that we can do it alone.

What are some steps we can take?

1.  We have to let go of our pride.

A priest once asked me during my freshman year of college what man’s greatest sin is.  I told him, “Lack of chastity.  Lust.”  He said, “No.  It’s pride.”

It was only when I admitted that I couldn’t trust my own willpower when things finally started getting better.  Two years ago, I decided to stop using my personal laptop, and instead only use my work one for all my activities.  For fear of losing my job, I refrained from looking at anything on it because I did not want to risk my colleagues seeing that I had been up to no good.  It helped to bring others into the equation.

I understand, though, that not everyone can give up their personal computer.  There are some great Web filters out there, including one from www.covenanteyes.com that brings in another trusted friend as your accountability.  This worked for a buddy of mine in college.

Last year I got an iPhone and have unfortunately noticed how easy it is to access what I don’t want to see.  In response, I looked up and downloaded an app called Mobicip that lets me surf the Web but restricts any suggestive material from being viewed.  It has worked wonders.

I have come to understand that I can’t be tempted by what I can’t access.

2.  We have to have an active prayer life.

More importantly, I knew I couldn’t do this without God.  Ever noticed the deeper our personal prayer life, the better we can face and overcome our vices?  As recently as last fall, I was preparing to propose to my now-fiancé, Mimi.  I knew that if I was going to propose to her and truly promise to her parents that I was going to be the best man for their daughter, I wanted this to be whole-heartedly true from my own perspective.  A month before the planned proposal, I committed to the Prayers for Purity through the Angelic Warfare Confraternity which involves two paragraphs of prayer and 15 Hail Mary’s a day.  Not only did it reduce lustful thoughts but it also has allowed me to reflect on the pure aspects of sex and matrimony I hadn’t thought about and am now looking forward to once we’re married.  I highly recommend these prayers.

3.  We have to know we are not alone.

Something I often take completely for granted that helps me not only with the porn battle but also in the desire to be a stronger, better man is knowing that there are other men who are going through and battling the same things I am facing and have faced.  It was not until after college when I was travelling and attending workshops on the subject that I realized how alone most men feel in the struggle and fight against porn addiction.  Personally knowing dozens of men who are fighting like me and being connected to networks of hundreds of men with the same mindset allow me to be comfortable talking about this in the first place.

But not everyone is aware of how widespread this issue has become, so in a project last year I sought out 48 Catholic Men to give me their thoughts on porn in an effort to show the world of men that they are not alone.  These imperfect, normal guys each list a time when they were tempted and decided to do something else and why.  It’s a powerful post that has reached thousands, and it even includes a message from Catholic chastity speaker and author Jason Evert.

To seek out solidarity with other Catholic males in not just the fight against porn but in all areas of Catholic masculinity, one can join a Facebook group called Catholic Brothers that seeks to unite a Catholic fraternal connection across the Web.

4.  We have to fill our lives with things we love to do that are worthy of our time.

Our mindset can’t be about what we can’t do (like not look at porn), but to anticipate what we can do in place of it.

I remember when I started this post-porn adventure, my life immediately became more fulfilling.  I began playing more guitar, learning and writing songs by the week. I started journaling and blogging and couldn’t keep up with all the ideas I wanted to put on paper.  I played more basketball and worked on my clutch three-point shot.  I read more than I ever had before, filling myself with some of the best books out there.  I improved my Spanish.  My housemates and I took salsa lessons, and when we later went out dancing, I could confidently twist and turn any woman on the dance floor.  I took on projects that sparked my interest at work.  My friendship and relationship with God reached a level I hadn’t imagined possible.  I felt confident, facing every day ready to take on the world.  Life was so much better—I had more energy, creativity, and a greater sense of purpose.  And it began when I stared focusing on living instead of distracting myself with porn.

As one priest once told me, “Fill our cup with good things and there won’t be room for anything else.”

5.  Exercise

One thing that helps me and a lot of other guys is exercise, especially cardiovascular exercise.

I’m one hundred and thirty pounds with sweatpants and a hoodie on—I don’t need to lose weight.  But I go on weekly, sometimes bi-weekly runs because I need to get things off my mind, get the stress out of my system.  It helps me to detox, if you will.  Specifically, I want that endorphin kick to my head, the endorphin high that parallels the one we can get after masturbation.  The difference between the two?  No shame to follow, and in fact, the opposite result—the sense of feeling good about one’s self.  Lifting weights at the gym helps, too.  I often go with a good friend as we get some squats and bench pressing in.  My goal?  Wow my love on our honeymoon.

My roommate goes on bike rides.  Another buddy of mine goes out to the court to shoot some hoops.  Another friend takes out his racket to hit a couple tennis balls.  Get out and get the heart pumping.  There’s nothing like feeling and looking stronger that gives us that confidence boost that porn and masturbation can take away from us.

6.  Guard our eyes upfront. 

I mentioned earlier that we men set ourselves up to fail by staring at women in our day-to-day lives.  I wrote a whole post about this concept on how we can learn to guard our eyes.  It begins by learning to to avert, or “bounce,” our eyes after that initial glance at a woman’s body.  For example, if a woman wearing tight pants walks by us, we often can’t control the natural tendency of that first look down.  But we can control if we look a second time or how long we look.  This is the moment when we can quickly bounce our eyes and look at something else—the floor, her shoes, or the back of her head (which, in fact, could be ridiculous, to quote a MadTV skit).  Bounce our eyes to the chewing gum rack instead of the Cosmo covers at the grocery store. Check our watch or phone during a sexy TV or movie scene. Keep scrolling past a bathing suit photo on our Facebook newsfeed.   Why? It’s a lot easier to use this proactive approach than to try to control our urges once we get to our computer already revved up from images accumulated in our head.  This may feel unnatural at first, but it is completely worth it, as it enables us to instead look at women for their true beauty and the personality that they possess.

7.  Avoid the near occasion

Knowing and being aware of the situations that often lead us to give in to temptation are very important.  I know a lot of guys who opt to only use their laptop in public places.  Or for instance, if you know regretful decisions happen late at night alone in your room, decide to turn off the computer after a certain hour.  Earlier I referenced “stagnant time;” it is important to try to avoid it.  If I know I’m going to do a substantial amount of personal computer writing, I know being at home can be distracting so I take it to a coffee shop (I currently have my head phones plugged in because I don’t need to know about the wedding colors of the ladies chatting beside me).

Long story short, it’s a lot easier avoiding the near occasion of sin than fighting temptation physically in the heat of it.

8.  Be patient and gentle with ourselves.

At the end of the day, we’re human. If we fall, let’s get back up right away.  Start again the next day 0-0. There are too many times in the past when I have fallen and I let myself stay down because of how guilty I felt.  My friends and I call it “binge”—where we feel we might as well make the most of the fall by continuing to remain in the muck until we’re sick of it.  Let’s learn to bounce back faster each time.  Things might get worse before they get better.   Let’s not beat ourselves up if this happens and commit to upping our game.  Frequently receiving the Sacrament of Reconciliation has helped me and others I know tremendously and continues to do so.  Together let’s build momentum between falls—trust me, it gets easier over time if we stay committed.

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Our generation has been given the opportunity to grow up and explore the Internet, a tool that gives us unprecedented access to knowledge, but it has also given us an equally unprecedented set of temptations if we leave ourselves to our own devices.  Pornography has quietly ruined lives and marriages in a way that society has never seen before.  It has rewired the brains of countless Millennials and diminished their ability to respond to the human touch and affection of another person.  It has become a struggle for even some of the most devout young Catholics.  This is not just a personal battle; this is our collective battle.

How will we respond?

One common denominator I’ve seen in all the guys I’ve talked to who find ways to overcome temptation is that they each have a very personal reason to drive them.  Often this is driven by the man they want to be for their current (or future) significant other.  Let’s all imagine a life where we live to the fullest, a best version of ourselves that is completely alive.  What does it look like?  Imagine the examples we want to be for our future children.

Maybe like Simba we can take a whop on the head and a message from Our Father.  But in the end, it’s that first step we have to take.  Our kingdom has been overthrown.  Let’s take it back together, for ourselves, for each other, and for the next generation that will follow in our place.

Matt Aujero is a Catholic Filipino who writes about everything from sex to the pursuit of authentic manhood to funny, ridiculous moments on his blog Catholic Fried Rice. He may be reached at mattaujero@gmail.com